My LIFE as I Know IT

so its been forever n a day since i wrote on here … i believe iv grown alil over the past year.. yes i still like a big goof ball ..im now in ohio for another week then im movin to iowa to live for awhile my friend ashli ecalled me a drifter. which may be true but when you get a wake call you try to take to heart and do everythjing you can to make things happen.. i can say iv made mistakes big ones at that ..and i dont regret anything iv done cuz ive grown from everything ive been threw and everything ive done a few times i didnt think i could make it threw but i did there was so many time i just wanted to give up and i didnt once or twice then i would get a wake up call knowin if i didnt fight who would?.. so i couldnt just be weak like everybody thought i was. so now im really finding myself it scaresd me alil cuz i know im still just a kid at heart  but i learn to deal with that fear everyday .. so me and my mom never gets along , but im learnin i have to be the bigger person n call her to see how everbody is doing and stuff.. although she still only calls me when she needs money which kills alil everytime cuz i would love for her just call me one to just see how im doing ..i couldnt even call when i went threw the whole preg. scare .. i wasnt ready for a kid you know but i was ready to take care it.. amonth a week i had a miscarage.. it was one of the most emotional things i went threw and still goin threw thats my best like sister friend bonnie she was there for me 1000%  ive never cried so much before and all i wanted to do was go to my mom but i was scared for her to know  but i dealt with it and she doesnt know and i geuss she may never.. i told the guy about it after like 3 weeks of it  happenin he was shocked and kinda hurt that i had lost the baby.. he wants to marry me but neither of our familys like each other so like his fam dont like me and my mom dont like him so that has had a big drama thing for the past 5months.. so now im movin and startin a life in iowa i hope it all will work for the best..well gotta go ..peace..

so here’s a update of my life ..its crazy as always …poeple dont even know me and thye dont even care to really know me .hmmmm..o well so im out of my moms for good im getting my own place on friday well i move in on friday cuz i have the place its pretty some poeple just dont get why i want to do this live on my own ..its like im alomost 20 ! petts sake…I WANNA see if i can make on my own with out everyones help you know…so my mom disownd me im stayin at a friends untill thrusday moving in friday at my own place..still in love R.d i have bad timing with almost everything i do or say ..it sucks im here waiting for something that just might never happen i have this thing to where ill fight for the poeple i love and care about …it gets so fursting ..to where i forget to breathe…i slept for 2days  well i did get up to go to the bathroom and check my e-mail and then went back to sleep so yeah im becoming a adult as some would say  …this is what i say//BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…im tierd of poeple telling me how to live my life so now im gonna live it how i want! yea i sound all tough but im freakin out inside like theres no tomorrow…ive made some big steps in my life the past couple of months i never thought i would have the guts to do well i gtg so peace out

so how do i tell my friends about who im seein..lucky me they didnt ask me to see pic of R.D then they would have sum questions…this is makin me go alil nutz  …i gotta be care with how i say and what i say infornt of ppl and we all i know im not that smart…ahhhhhhhhhhhhh….so since i moved back home i fell inlove …im ssoo stress its mess with my health.there is blood ppll!!…and i dont talk to ppl as much besides R.D…..someone who was a friend liked liked me and i kept tellin them i didnt like them that way we stopd talkin for awhile and then out of no where we started talkin again  and i was straight forward with this person that i didnt like them that way and i was i can be friends but nothing else they were okay i can handle that YEA rite this person went nutz on me let me tell you and then came the talk ..it was hard enough tell this again i dont love or like you that way but i had to hear this person cry i almost gave in and said look we still talk ..but i didnt was like we need to talk ..we talk this is what this person said {ande} i love you i cant live with out you in my life   { me } i told you i dont like you or love you that way then ande starts cryin i was dude chill and breathe i was like we need not to talk any more and this person was like i rather have you as a friend then nothing at all ..i was like well { i felt soo bad cuz i had someone say this to me and i rememberd how it felt } not now but just give me time and maybe we can be friends… i heard her heart drop..just like when i heard those words i felt like kickin my own ass for that and now ande is in the hospital for tryin to em self.. do you know how bad i felt …i felt lower then dirt let me tell you thats reallllllly low ….and now me and R.D are having the BIG talk we have been on again off again stupid me said is there an US R.D says we are gonna have to talk 2nite..my heart sank ..i was like okay ..and i said i love you and some other stuff and R.D says same here ! an dthen says dont hate me ttyl hun…so u know im kinda losin it rite now .. i feel like cryin rite now i have this feeling something is gonna happen and i dont know if its good…see im the kind of person to where i dont want to bother ppl..want them to call me cuz thats means they want to u know i hate to bother ppl …..and well now in 2hours im gonna know if im gonna be numb or freakin happy then i ever have been…fun stuff i tell ya ..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……i tell ya how it all goes 2morrow

goodnite

so my life is never what i thought it would be its like people couldonly write what i go threw for real for one my love life watch the “note book” i swear  it freakin wierd  i mean its down to like wear she never got his letters well well i think my mom has the letter R.D said that was sent..see my mom doesnt like the idea at ALL …see if you didnt see the movie you have no clue what im talking about …we fight and make up just like that movie …we are almost always nervous to touch each other ..when we do its sooooo passionate its like OMG ..lol…we havent yet u know …R.D is sooo respectfull it drives me nuttz sometimes !! okay here is something kinda funny …so you know how you get to the point where you gotta kiss or you feel like your gonna explod…okay …so like that was where we were at like 2months ago so we both were sooo nervous well i know i was ive onlyreally kissed someone a fews times before and liked it…so soo many things went threw my head like i wonder how it well be ..meaning really wet..kind dry..or just like i didnt feel it..lol…i hate really wet kiss`s….i stoped kissing this one guy i dated cuz well at frist it was nice and then it was like bad breathe..lol…i told him dude brush ur teeth and tongue..lol..i dated him for like almost 3months ..but we couldnt be ourselfs around my friends cuz people didnt want us to date they thought bad idea..they were sorta rite in a way but then it was like a rush ..meaning like grab my ass and lets make out ..lol…and then try and stop before we get caught..lol…bad i know i know..lol…but still fun..but then it was just stress so we had to end it…i didnt love him i know he thought he loved me but he was just horny….to be honest….and well it wasnt fair top him cuz i stoped kissing him and made up excuses to why i couldnt kiss him but the truth was i didnt want him to want me that way….and then R.D and me met nither of us was lookin to see any one just a friend you know…the more we talked and the more we got to know each other we couldnt get a enough..lol…dorky rite….buts like i know its not rite but it feels soo rite …like when we talk we really dont talk about much but us and then we talk on the fone R.D is like just talk i want to hear you talk soo i talk about people that is and was importen to me …i even was like one time OMG we are to sick..meaning like someone should be sayin go get a room..lol…i know i must have a stupid smile on my face when i talk to R.D but i dont know ….so we talk about running away together the other nite  i wasnt having a good day that day and i was missing R.D soo bad cuz everytime i see a couple im like i have THAT but but they just soo happen to be in SPAIN ahhh i swear and me and R.D fight almost every day…but we make up and it drives me nuttz cuz we cant kiss like we want too …frusrating I TELL YA….cuz yea we to be blunt ..we trun each other on like really bad..lol..so i geuss its a good thing ..lol…we would be all over each other..lol…i swear its hard not having R.D here but then again im safe from not doing what i think about in my head..lol…sooo bad…lol….ive never been kissed like this before or held …and ive seen how R.D looks at me and it makes me weak..yes yes IM inlove CRAZY i know..lol…this kid as me on cloud 9…lol…so a few days ago i got sooo freakin confused it wasnt even funny someone s

so yea my life isnt really all that good infact it SUCKS im losing people i love and hold close to my heart so here more dramma..cant get enough NOT!! ….how do i start here goes so im inlove with someone wew were seeing each other well its been about a month and some days.. i mean this like heart stoping love … cant think stright ..cant breathe …. for the frist time and my life i was inlove  its the most power thing that can happen its crazy ….well yea that person broke things cuz dominichi couldnt be here to protect me from this creep that was messin with me see here how it went…..i had a realllly bad day and i wrote dominichi a e-mail sayin im gonna hide  out for a while and said dont worry…well dominichi wrote back and said okay dont take forever to fly back to me { cuz i like butterflies} and well very long story short my fone was about to die and dominchi said your goona hate me but forget about me rip up the card i sent you just forget about me plz bye amber….do you know ive been numb every scince..i cant do nothing u know dominichi is in spain with fam cuz here the kicker thier grandma is dieing…my older bro just found me 2day cuz i sorte ran off thats what i do …STUPID i know..but i cant just forget about this person i mean we talked about gettin married and everything we are sooo much alike the other nite we were just on the computer talkin and we both were listening to our ipods and i was like you know what song reminds me of you and i told and then we found out we were  listening to the same song and it was our frist song on our ipods we both have crazy moms and stuff we kept each other sane okay here comes the mushy stuff i told dominichi that i loved em and well i dont say that to everybody and this is the frist time i said it mean i was inlove! and why we broke cuz we love each other too much to see the other and pain and not able to do anything { cuz we live a few states away} and well dominichi told me the other day when i hurt geuss who hurts also …and its the same for me too one nite dominichi kinda ran off and didnt tell any one and well dominichi callz me and was crying i started crying cuz i felt the pain when we hear each other voice  it takes the pain away and we make each other laugh soo hard its crazy..i never knew what i was missing untill now…and let me tell you it hurts like HELL and SO CAN YOU SEE WHY I DONT GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE IT ENDS BADLY FOR ME TO WHERE IM NUMB AND NOT WANTING TO BE HERE SO I SIT HERE LIKE A DUMBASS WHO MESSED UP HER ARM STILL HERE NOT WANTING TO BE HERE ..BUT IM HERE FEELING NUMB ONCE AGAIN I DONT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO SPAIN CUZ .. heres why im really numb after our convo dominichi got in a car crash and well in the hospital and well heres what the brother said was in a coma and now eyes are open and then my bro talked to the brother and well they feel the doc isnt tellin them everything…so yea the love of my life could be dieng  on me see we were fine when we were together and now look at us not even a day we about kill ourselfs a good we are doing..huh…

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh * coughs* so im losin it here is how my week had been…so ive helped a very close friend not kill herself she has a bad cut to show for her bad week…i broke someones heart  i try to fix it 2day but a hour of cryin later this person is like i still love you….my mom had a heartattack her artreys were 99% blocked ..three days later my grandma goes for surgry and then we get a call sayin its really bad it spreaded to her i dont know how to spell it its spreadin thou got that news 2day yay :(……ive been dealin with sooo much and well my former roommate doesnt really know how to help…but its not like ive been opening up to people either which has always been hard for me cuz i get close then i lose people or srew up to where they dont want to know im alive…….my world is tryin to kill me …thats all

so 2day just suckd alround work was so boring and i found out my grandma has breast cancer…

when i got home i ran for about a hour just cryin and running dumb right a friend told me well  people die so not what i wanna to hear and that i should be lucky! that she is as old as she is ..why in the hell would she tell me that i mean i love god but i also love my grandma okay its selfish for me not to want her die but o well im selfish i dont care……ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im so ahhhhhhhhhhhhh right now

so i’ve been sick yaaa not so much i havent been able to sleep  at all i didnt close my eyes untill like 4ish it drove me nutts  i got up at 7am PEOPLE  i do not  get up at that time i lay’d there untill like 9:30ish and got ready to go to my grandma’s in which whom i havent seen in like 6months  i was there all day and then one of my aunts was there and then all of  5 of my grandma’s sisters came over  all i wanted to do was sleep but i stuck it out for a bit my great aunt pinch’d my cheek sayin how cute i was what am i 4 come on  and then they all started talking about how cute i was when i was little and  how i used sing forevery one and crazy stuff like that and then the pictures came out o my gosh i about died then i snuck out into the other room and lay’d down i woke up with cover’d up sweet right they took a picture of me sleeping sayin o how cute she is growning up so fast  i was like aww nutts  and now im dieing i feel so sick and yet i cant sleep  no one is on line they have a life o well later

so im at the library with my head phones on kinda bored tryin  to get some work done tryin not to fall asleep BOREDOM is kicking in   :P  so i wonder if i droped a pen on the table would it make a noiseor maybe my cell phone ..hmmm…yes imm bored …later