My LIFE as I Know IT

k so my world so going so nutso on me and im not liking it not one bit……me and my mom all week at each other…and now i have 2weeks again untill she wants me out …..she called me everything but a child of god ….what i think is she talk’d to jade but if she did ….im a gonner  for sure ….jade is not making life easy for me at all …maybe i should just let her srew my life up and then i’ll just run away and not come back …cuz my mom said 2day get the hell out of my life ur nothing but a worthless piece of sh*t ..i know i can feel the love so why in the world would i want to leave and not come back  almost everybody i know i brought them nothing but hurt …and i dont like it …and i hate smiling when i want to cry i was so sick teusday it wasnt even funny ….im once again thinking there is really no reason for me here and its not good but who really cares as long as im smiling and say im fine thats good enough for everybody ..and if i told them i wasnt  then they would say o you just need to pray and read the bible and stuff  dont get me wrong i love god and stuff but how is it gonna work when im way far gone …heres what happen the other day i told someone i wasnt doing well so they say a pray’r for me and pat me on the back and left really fast …yeah i felt the love so much that i wanted do what i almost did the other day ….o well just so you know im NOT having A good WEEK!!!…..and tony keeps calling and hanging up….ugh…thats what i have to say and its not easy at work cuz alot of them smoke and cuse and stuff  o well i just have to deal atleast untill sunday and never mind so here is a poem i wrote at church teusday……………hold me when im scared

hold me when im alone

hold me when my heart cant seem to find home

hold me tonight

hold me to sleep; let me rest in your arms because your promises

you keep

hold me throught the question ” why” ?

hold me till my tears run dry….just hold me

so i have to go clean up the hall way and  call this number i have  and take a shower before i call some one maybe it will help relaxe so later

so i was not goin  post any more why? not sure  really…..so im beinging to think the whole karmia thing is real  you treat some one badly it comes back to you i’ve never treated jade wrong the whole time we knew each other it was the other way around she was always messin up and sayin sorry but i always let her get away with it so in a way its really my own fault to how she still treats me it makes my stomach a do a back flip now that hurts trust me i know its happen’d before ….i mean i see more of  her then i did  when we were friends  i know crazyness ….how can you know someone for a long time and not really know them …..she came to my work for lunch what a train wreck that was ..ugh…and plus she had some of her friends ..and do you what she said i think i like you serving me …O my god i wanted to kill her so bad but i didnt i did the right thing which is go on with what i was doing…..dont  you just hate it  when you stare at your phone  hoping for that one person you want to call you  but you know they wont and yet you still stare at your phone ..it drives me nuts cuz im one of those who do that..lol…so i had the day off 2day  but did  i relaxe o noooooooooo that would be to right ….on eggshells all freakin day not fun very painfull   :P  so i dont really  like doctors  nothing really nothing againt them but i dont like them lol if that makes any scense …im getting cut off be back

i feel a emptiness inside

if love is so wonderful,

then why does it hurt?

i’m confused with all these emotions,

and yet i’m scared,

for the first time in my life.

this emptiness is worse then depression,

i feel sick to my stomach,

and i dont understand.

and now im dronwing ,

in a puddle of my own tears,

crying cause you’re not here.

i feel stupid

becuase as much as this love hurts ,

i dont ever wanna lose it

so please do me one thing

promise you wont leave

and that you’ll be there for me

well im kinda TIRED  so im gonna try and sleep cuz i got my first day of work 2morrow and i had a big fight the other day and u know what i should delete jade thing cuz we dont talk anymore so people who like that site save cuz its gone my not gonna read her site but if any of my readers do tell me whats up well later

so life is full of things we never thought could or would happen …..like falling for someone …or dislikeing someone to where it makes your stomach sick….alot of stuff happens that we dont expect….i hate it when i have something to say and it wont come out for nothing well expect when the other person knows what buttons to push it just givin enough time they could know anuthing they wanted if they knew what they were doing you know its crazy like that….so the dinner went okay i think found out about some stuff i just want to cuddle up with *&L%^2$% right and feel safe you know ..god can make you feel safe and stuff but there is always that one person that you trust with you life  and that kinda thing never did come easy for me well nothing is ever easy for me to come to think of it,,lol,,,so i didnt sleep much last night i fell asleep around 5:21am and then had a crazy dream woke up at 6am and then on i was up so i’ve been wanting to lay in my bed and sleep and rl was goin leave 2day he came over and was saying how sorry and alot of other B.S  so i told him to leave or i would have to do something so after awhile he left and said  he’s last sorry and said good-bye forever so im sorta releaved but i cant help feeling what im feeling right now ….i hate feeling like this and i cant do nothing ..o well so im goin go my bro needs to get on and i have to get things ready for my moms surgery  2morrow she wont come back home for 2days and stuff  she worrys me so much cuz she not in good health well got to go later

so as i was sayin  it was a crazy dream …i was finally asking a friend something  and stuff and then when i told  her something she got big time mad and stuff and it just got crazier after that so i think im take that as a sign saying no need to tell any more and stuff …..i’ll write more of the dream  on my other….anyways so i didnt sleep much and then i was worryin over that and some other stuff and that made me sorta tried  so i took a shower and was getting ready for my job interview ..i had to wear a dress ….so i pack’d some jeans and stuff and my bookbag ….so the interview went good i think anyways they are goin call me in a day so went to my aunts house on the east side and chill’d there cuz my mom need’d pick some stuff up and my aunt wanted to know how everything went  so i told her and stuff and then i went to church i got there like 5min. before travis so i got to change and stuff before anybody else saw me him and ******* got there at the same time and again a full hug …thinking…she knows when i need those kind hm…so she was  cool and stuff  but tony never show’d up was  sorta sad but what can ya do i think he had to work or something we havent talk’d in 2 days so but travis did come so was happy he came …OMG  geuss what robert from church was flirting with me at first i didnt see it but when he did what he did i knew he’s a nice guy and all but i sorta swore off guys for awhile to clear my head and stuff  usely thats when it happens so needless to say i swore off guys before ..lol..i got sick during church there was this smell  and it got to me so i gave that gift to ******* last night but i forgot to tell her why and whats it about o well if she wants to know she’ll ask ….o i got to drive last  night  it was sooo fun and not that hard travis was teaching me all the basics  it was cool  well i’ll write more later my brother is buging me so later

so as i was sayin  it was a crazy dream …i was finally asking a friend something  and stuff and then when i told  her something she got big time mad and stuff and it just got crazier after that so i think im take that as a sign saying no need to tell any more and stuff …..i’ll write more of the dream  on my other….anyways so i didnt sleep much and then i was worryin over that and some other stuff and that made me sorta tried  so i took a shower and was getting ready for my job interview ..i had to wear a dress ….so i pack’d some jeans and stuff and my bookbag ….so the interview went good i think anyways they are goin call me in a day so went to my aunts house on the east side and chill’d there cuz my mom need’d pick some stuff up and my aunt wanted to know how everything went  so i told her and stuff and then i went to church i got there like 5min. before travis so i got to change and stuff before anybody else saw me him and ******* got there at the same time and again a full hug …thinking…she knows when i need those kind hm…so she was  cool and stuff  but tony never show’d up was  sorta sad but what can ya do i think he had to work or something we havent talk’d in 2 days so but travis did come so was happy he came …OMG  geuss what robert from church was flirting with me at first i didnt see it but when he did what he did i knew he’s a nice guy and all but i sorta swore off guys for awhile to clear my head and stuff  usely thats when it happens so needless to say i swore off guys before ..lol..i got sick during church there was this smell  and it got to me so i gave that gift to ******* last night but i forgot to tell her why and whats it about o well if she wants to know she’ll ask ….o i got to drive last  night  it was sooo fun and not that hard travis was teaching me all the basics  it was cool  well i’ll write more later my brother is buging me so later