so its been forever n a day since i wrote on here … i believe iv grown alil over the past year.. yes i still like a big goof ball ..im now in ohio for another week then im movin to iowa to live for awhile my friend ashli ecalled me a drifter. which may be true but when you get a wake call you try to take to heart and do everythjing you can to make things happen.. i can say iv made mistakes big ones at that ..and i dont regret anything iv done cuz ive grown from everything ive been threw and everything ive done a few times i didnt think i could make it threw but i did there was so many time i just wanted to give up and i didnt once or twice then i would get a wake up call knowin if i didnt fight who would?.. so i couldnt just be weak like everybody thought i was. so now im really finding myself it scaresd me alil cuz i know im still just a kid at heart  but i learn to deal with that fear everyday .. so me and my mom never gets along , but im learnin i have to be the bigger person n call her to see how everbody is doing and stuff.. although she still only calls me when she needs money which kills alil everytime cuz i would love for her just call me one to just see how im doing ..i couldnt even call when i went threw the whole preg. scare .. i wasnt ready for a kid you know but i was ready to take care it.. amonth a week i had a miscarage.. it was one of the most emotional things i went threw and still goin threw thats my best like sister friend bonnie she was there for me 1000%  ive never cried so much before and all i wanted to do was go to my mom but i was scared for her to know  but i dealt with it and she doesnt know and i geuss she may never.. i told the guy about it after like 3 weeks of it  happenin he was shocked and kinda hurt that i had lost the baby.. he wants to marry me but neither of our familys like each other so like his fam dont like me and my mom dont like him so that has had a big drama thing for the past 5months.. so now im movin and startin a life in iowa i hope it all will work for the best..well gotta go ..peace..

so how do i tell my friends about who im seein..lucky me they didnt ask me to see pic of R.D then they would have sum questions…this is makin me go alil nutz  …i gotta be care with how i say and what i say infornt of ppl and we all i know im not that smart…ahhhhhhhhhhhhh….so since i moved back home i fell inlove …im ssoo stress its mess with my health.there is blood ppll!!…and i dont talk to ppl as much besides R.D…..someone who was a friend liked liked me and i kept tellin them i didnt like them that way we stopd talkin for awhile and then out of no where we started talkin again  and i was straight forward with this person that i didnt like them that way and i was i can be friends but nothing else they were okay i can handle that YEA rite this person went nutz on me let me tell you and then came the talk ..it was hard enough tell this again i dont love or like you that way but i had to hear this person cry i almost gave in and said look we still talk ..but i didnt was like we need to talk ..we talk this is what this person said {ande} i love you i cant live with out you in my life   { me } i told you i dont like you or love you that way then ande starts cryin i was dude chill and breathe i was like we need not to talk any more and this person was like i rather have you as a friend then nothing at all ..i was like well { i felt soo bad cuz i had someone say this to me and i rememberd how it felt } not now but just give me time and maybe we can be friends… i heard her heart drop..just like when i heard those words i felt like kickin my own ass for that and now ande is in the hospital for tryin to em self.. do you know how bad i felt …i felt lower then dirt let me tell you thats reallllllly low ….and now me and R.D are having the BIG talk we have been on again off again stupid me said is there an US R.D says we are gonna have to talk 2nite..my heart sank ..i was like okay ..and i said i love you and some other stuff and R.D says same here ! an dthen says dont hate me ttyl hun…so u know im kinda losin it rite now .. i feel like cryin rite now i have this feeling something is gonna happen and i dont know if its good…see im the kind of person to where i dont want to bother ppl..want them to call me cuz thats means they want to u know i hate to bother ppl …..and well now in 2hours im gonna know if im gonna be numb or freakin happy then i ever have been…fun stuff i tell ya ..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……i tell ya how it all goes 2morrow

goodnite

so 2day just suckd alround work was so boring and i found out my grandma has breast cancer…

when i got home i ran for about a hour just cryin and running dumb right a friend told me well  people die so not what i wanna to hear and that i should be lucky! that she is as old as she is ..why in the hell would she tell me that i mean i love god but i also love my grandma okay its selfish for me not to want her die but o well im selfish i dont care……ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im so ahhhhhhhhhhhhh right now

so today wasnt all that good  well bright side i had a good day at work ..but then after  work  i get a call from my boyfriend  and then he  say`s im just not ready to be in a relationship my heart just drop even deeper i geuss i should start from the beinging here goes….so i might my howard one nite at my friend hil’s house  her folks had some people over and he was one of the many people they interduesed me to . i thought he looked cute and so my type..  so i went on about my ruberband poping war he just stood watching and stuff after a few thousand bruises later we took a break from the war….  he sat on the chair across from me and he started to talk to his buddy next to him ..you know how you can feel someone stareing at you yeah so i looked at him and he acted like he wasntin lookin but that just started the whole im looking but not looking thing by the end of the night we swicthed numbers  and do you when i left like 20minutes later he calls but i couldnt answer cuz i was at my friends house ..but when i was on my way home he called again we talk for a bit then i was like i`ll call you when i get home so i did like around 1:30am  we talked untill like 3am and i had to be up for work at 7ish and then from then on we talked everyday and then a week later we  went on our frist date it was really funny so he offers to pick me up from work and then we went to my house but se truned around we went to far a freeway and ended up at a gastation right next to a old friends house its funny the way things fall in place so we get to my place and i take a shower he plays vedio games with my roommate  and then we watch`d a movie with my roommate at the house and we had pizza i fell asleep in his arms ( cuz i was really tried from work and he was super warm) right in the middle of the  V-movie and get this then we went to the movies just me and him later on that nite we were listening to my flyleaf cd and we had our frist kiss that nite …and from then we were almost always with each other with my friends or hisor just us after awhile things started to get hard for us people we know were saying it wasnt good for us to be with each other so i was stressin about that and then he wanted more and i wasnt ready ,,so this past week we were fighting  but useauly he just likes to pick on me cuz he likes my reaction`s but this was different we didnt talk or see each other for like 2daYS then monday he calls and tells me he called his ex and then i didnt talk to him tuesday and then last night he tells me he thinks he wants to get back with his ex so i was like im not gonna beg you to stay with me even thou i dont want you to stay as tears are falling from my face then hes like i gotta go and hangs up..then 2day he calls and we talk for like a hour and then we broke up and he says i still want to be friends! that happen at 5:55pm so my eye`s are all red and i havent talked at all  so yeah i think im alittle broken and the funnyest thing is his ex`s name is Amber  she is my age also wierd huh i thought so too so now he as to ex girlfriends name amber  and geuss what cant tell any one cuz we never told any one lol i think im gonna go to bed for a week or 2

peace