My LIFE as I Know IT

it needs to rain and really hard  that way i can just sleep its wierd when it stroms i can sleep like a baby ….so i have been going threw the highs and lows with my boyfriend and my mom  its getting to be to much he wants to be all  mushy all the time and im not like that for th most part he talks my ear off when its just me and him and i dont talk all that much i like to hold hands and stuff but not all the time i told him we were moving to fast and he was like o so we are breaking up ? how can you get that from moving to fast …i havent kissed him in like a few days and its driving him nutts but he was like i can wait … my mom wants me to move back home but im not sure what to do and its making her mad so she isnt happy which is making me not happy and  i cant think clrealy lately and the cupp fam is why i cant really tell any one im seeing who im seeing i dont judge people on thier past ..but not everyone can do that …so i did something kinda dumb the other night i asked a person within the group a ride home why well my bf wasnt feeling well and he had to get right away and this person didnt live more then 10minutes from where i live and the end it just made me feel dumb and alittle hurt ..see i have this problem to where i like to make friends with people who really dont me around at all and im to dumb to know it untill they hurt my feelings with or without them knowing it…i got in to with my room-mate last tuesday nite that was just iceing on the cake  why well i almost got into it with a co-worker and then me and my mom got into it and it was that time of the month for me so yea i was a mess well im kinda sleepy so later

 

so what can i say my world is not all smiles all the time everytime it starts to get good it gets worse which blows okay so im see a very cool guy but i cant say we are going out i say hey this is my friend instade of boyfriend and my mom well she gonna be in the hosp. for a bit so im moving back home to help out which is what family does ..right!?..i have so much on my mind its driving me nutts to where im just about to blow up …nobody really knows me and the ones that do i dont talk to them any more . i would pretty much would give any thing for a few hours to talk to them ..its one of those weeks to where i feel like giving up be like screw it ALL and just leave i mean i dont what i mean… i have been thinking why would someone want to break something thats already broken i mean i have my good days but people are tryin to change me ..ya gotta give credit for wearin pink and acting all girly girl sometimes i am a girl so but im gonna wear black .chains.crazy hats.and pants ..cuz thats who i am …so i wear my hair up alot but lately i`ve been wearin it down cuz 2 people like it that way why no clue but i care what they think the most when i see them i try to remember to take it down ..so i used to get sooooo umm i cant even think of the right word for it but my feet would tap all the time well thats back and the rubing of my ear when i get super nervise if thats how you spell i cought myself a few days ago i cant even spell today ughhhhhhhhh…..i dont what to do with myself these days i all i do is work andn sleep and eat when i remember and thats not alot and my co -worker was like you are losing weight i was like yeah i had to buy some new jeans again she was like how`d you do it i was like im not even tryin …and from what i hear its fun to mess with me cuz its so easy i dont care but i`ve heard that more the once i finaly got my jouranly back ….i almost got my tounge repierced but i didnt instade i made out with my boyfriend in a parking lot ..lol..danger sign in red for me right now …its that time of month and im super green that time ..and i thought of someone else when i really kissed him which is not good..o well i got to go cuz my boyfriend just got here so later

so this is my life i was telling myself the other day you fall to fast for people wait no i get fast crush`s that go just as fast as they come …so i`ve been seeing someone for about a week now and its real he doesnt just want me for money and stuff like that and what made fall for him 2days ago was he sat me down and was like i respect you and i dont just want you for your body ..i was good to know .. but he went he was i really likke you lot and i want to totaly honest with and he me some stuff and i was honest and blunt with him and which i havent done totaly before well maybe once before and it scared me so bad that i got super quiet i have spent almost all the free time i have had with him and we talk and then we dont we just hang i feel like i can trust a human again besides God ..people arent perfect i know this but i found out that someone i trusted with my whole heart and life told some one i used to have crush on that i that i was crushingon them which im not any more but this person acts wierd around me i thought cuz i wasnt worthly of his friendship but now i know he thinks i still like him well crushing on him which Sucks i hate finding out things like that i have trusting prombles as it is .. o well anyways i have changed in so many ways its pretty cool im not tryin to have a best friend if it happens then sweet if not i`ll live and for me to say that its holy moly jaw droping kinda thing ..lol..not saying i still dont want it but i went about it all the wrong ways … and instade of sparing your feeling all the time if you want the truth then thats what you get i havent been so boy crazy either which lead me to a godly man even thou needs a little work as i do so im not judging im learning to let go and live and hang up on people who are crusing me out and cuzing me so much pain by just talking to them.. i can thank a ex friend for that and i just came to trems with not being friends with that person also which means a whole lot ..long story ….i am honestly growing up wisely at the moment i am proud of my self ..it may sound corny or wierd or whatever …i have sorta a clean bill of health !!!!….one of the things that is sorta bugging me at this time is my roomie has let me know that when we talk some times my face is like no one is home cuz that means im retreating and stuff …thats me being scared to take friendship personaly again which is hard for me at this time and place ..but im learning and God is walking with me in my path towards christ and my life of who i am to be …i thank God every day now for the people he put my life and the ones im just not ready to be really good friends with i say my good byes for now . cuz i know one day we well be friends again when im ready ! well on that note i have to go to bed its late or early either way goodnite

 so  justaphas725 i dont know how to get ahold of  you  but you can e-mail me at butterflybabeo21@yahoo.com if you want to talk and stuff  so life is crazy at the moment

wow so i havent posted in a long time  i forgot about this site  i  came to it the other day and just read everything and i was like im such a dork ..lol.. so yeah ..so the other day i got hit by a car it hurt like hell the cops coudnt do anything cuz we didnt get the plate number and stuff like that i was what the hell man i was on the ground and pain and its my fault i got pissed  but  when you want to die you dont and when you dont you do crazy right so thats like the 2nd time i got hit by a car …so my shoulder is messed up and my back hurts more  last nite i just played  it off but it started bugging me more  its crazy how much pain i can take  on the outside and inside  well its late im heading off to bed

~~peace~~

so your mad and confused so you go for a run its the 2nd night of snow and its really cold but you run anyways your running and running as things that  had happen the past months and days go threw your mind and then  the next thing you know your waking up at home  your mom says you fainted they found you knocked out a few blocks away …well you go to say i must be tried but nothing comes out ..then you start to freak so now your at the doctors and he is telling its gone to your throat ..you can talk now your voice came back on the way to the doctors..so you say to the doc. your joking right? and he looks at you and then looks at his clipbroadand then you knew ,,then he says in a month or 2 you’ll have no voice your  heart feels like it just smash’d just like the time you had a talk with a friend, they need’d time….then  the doctor says have the surgry and you could save your  voice so you say i’ll think about it …….this time its 4th night of snow and you go for a run your running your  hardest  as tears flow down your cheeks  …as your thinking you how you really dont like doctors ..and then you think maybe this is good cuz nobody really wants to talk to you so and you rto shy to sing so yeah then you go home an dgo to bed not sleeping but stareing at the phone thinking maybe this is the night she will call //

so hey people howzit goin so here something you didnt know about me i know signlanguage  how?…well my sister didnt talk untill she was like 7 she sign’d thou so she taught me a bit and i learn ‘d  from a teacher and stuff im kinda rusty but anyways so i have work 2night and geuss what i think im going to a party after work and get this i dont have to be home untill 4am or i can just spend the night  at  sarahs house  the only thing is  im not sure about going some people will be drinking and stuff  but i think im goin go cuz they really want me to come so …i mean other then that if i didnt go it would be the same ol …get off work go home go to bed stare at my phone waiting for that  one phone call and then falling asleep after awhile so yeah chang sounds good ..i just tasted the nastest sucker every its a dum dum pear sucker ….so im thinking of  calling aaron and asking him to give someone a message for me cuz if you put 1 and 1 tougether already the you know i need say what i need to say sorta quick well i have to go the store and run back home take a shower and go 2 work and the i think the party so later folks

so losing some very close to you is never easy …..and it mess’s with you after awhile..even when you try ur hardest  to act happy  like it does bug you as much as it really does ..well if ur sick it mess’s with alot …any ways i talk’d to my almost 2weeks ago and well she knows alot more about me now then she has for awhile she didnt take it all in at once  im geussing  after we talk’d she left for awhile and later that night she came home almost spechless she couldnt stop stareing at me that nite and then some other stuff happen’d and then i went over my grandmothers house  lets just say that wasnt easy for me ..and then that nite i was off to the hosp. i was there almost a week i was bored out of my mind the ony good thing was i was able to get online and stuff….from what the doc. said was that i had a bad reaction to the meds..and stuff…so saturday  4 people i know show’d up at my work and hung out for awhile i was stok’d  well i gtg i have to go to the doc. in a bit so later

i go out as far as i can go and then some

just  to know you

i go out as far  as the sun

just ti be friends with you

i go out as far as the stars

just to be worthy of your friendship

i go out as far  as  the eye can see

just to thank you for being you

and yet i messed  it all up

without even going very far

so life isnt always what it seems …and is what it doesnt seem…..life can be crazy like that some times…so found out some stuff 2day  and im not liking any of it one bit……heres  whats  what …people can either  break you …heal you….love you …or hate you..i mean thats just way life is ….well im tried …bye

so hey i havent writen in awhile been kinda busy being sick and work and busyness…..but im not busy or any of that other stuff so im gonna write 2nite….heres whats on mind …..need to cry but wont …need to scream but cant….cant eat or even sleep…..my life is a mess like always ….me and my mom still arent talking going on 3days now…..my dog is very sick …..got my hair cut { alot off } ….me and tony are broken up as far as i know…….me and tom i think we are still friends but im not sure we dont talk anymore…..leelee called but i miss’d it…..jade moved out of state….someone said read her site …but i dont know it anymore….somethings gong on but as always i have no clue….my world crash’d and brun’d …heres what people have to say …it will be okay…it will get better…there is always 2morrow…they try but yet they dont really know what im going threw you know i could tell them but then again that would be to easy you know i almost did the other night but any time i was alone with that person some one would cut in and then my mother chew’d me out ..and it doesnt help when that person hates your guts…so yeah life is great…i havent been more confused in my life then i am now..well gtg this place is closing…peace